Sleeping alone

It’s been so long since the last time slave wrote. No excuses, just haven’t been able to express words. slave has never really told many people about this, maybe it time she does. The past is a funny thing, it hunts you when you are begging for the future. This is slaves story( slave will be saying I and me)

       I think it started when I was extremely young, 8 or 10. My dad was not the normal dad, he was a druggie. My mother was so lost in her own abusive world that she left the kids to raise ourselves. To defend and protect ourselves.  So on the night when he came to my room, she was drugged up on depression pills and my siblings ran away to friends houses. He never allowed me to leave the house much, unless he was by my side. I remeber the smell of whiskey and cheap pot. It flooded my senses and when he said he loved me. I was so happy to have his approval. That’s the first time I was molested by him. For many years he found himself in my bed, or toke me on long truck rides. When I was about 13 he and my mother divorced, I guess finding your husband in bed with last nights bartender is bad. I didn’t see him for almost 6 months, it was amazing. I never told anyone about his abuse to me, teachers would ask why I would cry when a male came towards me. No one guessed that the “role-model” dad was the one who made me that way. I was afraid of my own shadow. Told that my mother would hate me if she knew what a ” dirty whore ” I was. The court decided after 6months I had to see him. “It was in my best interest” as the judge said. I remeber screaming and crying, they all called it an act for attention. So I had to see hI’m every other weekend and two days during the week. These days started out happy, but after the court stopped caring so did he. I would go without food, because he thought I was too fat.  He beat me so I lied and said I was a clutz. I was top of my gymnastics class and competiting with the best, but after having no food and being so tired from long nights if his “games” i lost focus and cracked my spine. I lost everything I loved and he knew it, he had broken me. After months of his games he became bored and needed money. His dealers wanted to play a new game and he let them. Every weekend I would spend Friday and Saturday night being raped and made to dance for him and his friends. No one ever stopped them or said it was wrong. One woman was there and atleast gave me food. When I tried to rebel to say no, I was beaten on my back and legs, where no one coulf see. I learned to always say yes. When he was bored or angry with me he would sometimes tie me to a pipe in the basement. It was wet and cold. I would go home on Sundays and take a hot shower, tell my mother i was ok. I hated them all for not saving me from him.  So by the time I turned 15, I was ready to die. I had been stealing heron from him for 2 years and didn’t care anymore. I toke sleeping pills and tried to kill myself. Of course I failed and was put into a hospital for almost 20 days. Still didn’t tell a soul, but was told I could no longer see him. It toke almost two years if therapy for me to tell then the truth. By then all evidence was gone, it was a crazy kids word against a role model fathers. They didn’t beilve me, thankfuly my family did and they protected me. 

 

 

Sorry this was so long, it’s been in slaves mind a lot. there is much more to tell, but letting these emotions and stories out is hard, so skave has to go slowly. Without the love of slaves Dom now she would never be able to do this.  Slave knows this is a harsh topic but needed to say it. Have a good night and enjoy life